Bring your own reality to the table
One of the most powerful ideas I have ever learned when trying to understand people is the concept of the Social Frame. A Social Frame is a combination of ideas, prejudices, thoughts and feelings that a person inherently believes, and just assumes to be true without thinking about it. To take an example, a social frame might be “People who like anime are uncool”, or “Almost everyone thinks bacon tastes nice”. These “Frames” will colour and influence a persons responses to many things, and whenever two or more people engage in a conversation, they will also bring their frames forward. When one person introduces a frame which comes into conflict with another person’s frame, we can observe what is known as a “Frame Battle”. Understanding how unravel, understand and control frames during a conversation is one of the most powerful techniques you can use to increase your empathy, resolve conflict and better connect with people.
Lets take a simple example, one that has most likely been unconsciously experienced by many people who might have once (or still do) described themselves as “Nerdy” or “Alternative”. Lets create an example person, who both has a stark interest for typical “Nerd” culture such as Anime or Roleplaying, and also feels a great deal of shame for their hobbies or interest. Lets call this person Abbie. Next let’s introduce Sheila, who has similar interests to Abbie, but doesn’t believe that her interests should be a source of shame; instead they excite her, and she loves to share them with people. Finally, let’s bring Kyle into the mix. Kyle is completely oblivious to the interests of Abbie and Sheila, and has never really heard of or seen any of them, he has yet to form his own opinion on such topics.
Let’s say that one day Kyle meets Abbie for the first time. He sees her reading some comic book she bought from a local store. The cover of which depicts a troupe of highly-stylized fantasy characters in combat with a Red Dragon. Upon seeing Kyle, Abbie does her best to hide the cover of her book from view, slyly moving her elbow in order to obscure the character’s faces.
Neither of them know it, but Abbie’s frame in this situation is that “Books with highly stylized character art are lame, uncool and something to be ashamed of”, she is anxiously trying to put forward a good image of herself by hiding the features feels shame over. This is mostly subconscious.
Kyle, not quite aware of nuance of Abbie’s behavior (at least not consciously), attempts to make light conversation by asking her what the book she is reading is.
Abbie interprets this as a threat against her personage. She believes that if Kyle were to find out what she was reading he would look down on her, judge her, or otherwise make her feel bad. She tries her best to avoid the subject by placing the book face down, placing her hand over the blurb and explaining it in the most vague terms that she can.
The Subtle Art of Accidently Sabotaging Yourself
On a subconscious level, Abbie’s behavior is enforcing her own belief that she has something to be ashamed of into Kyle’s mind. In truth, he knows nothing of her interests and thus has not had the time to form an opinion of them. However, her constantly avoidant behavior causes him to believe that something is amiss. This is registered semi-consciously. What is registered consciously however, is a new curiosity for what Abbie could be so keen on hiding. Thus, he excuses himself and takes a brief moment to spy a look at what Abbie had been reading. He sees the highly stylized comic book cover and quickly makes an unconscious connection that there must be some sort of relationship between that book and Abbie’s strange behavior. To top it off, Abbie has left an impression on him of being quite strange and unsociable. He doesn’t have a negative opinion of her, but she has left an impact on him which inspires a little bit of ambivalence and unwillingness to share.
In short, Kyle has adopted Abbie’s Frame, the Frame that tells him that
“Books with highly stylized character art are lame, uncool and something to be ashamed of”. This has happened because Abbie held a stronger belief that this was true than Kyle did, pushing her frame onto him. Kyle, who had no prior experience or information from which to create a frame, easily adopted the first impression he was given.
It is worth noting that, as people get older (and wiser), they tend to develop much broader frames such as “People are worth listening to”, or “Unformed opinions are not worth having”. Had this been the case, perhaps Kyle would not have been so quick to adopt Abbie’s worldview. However, for the sake of the example, I’d like to keep it simple and assume the characters so far are not that nuanced in the way they think.
Kyle doesn’t really encounter many more “Abbies” for a while, but he notices similar books to what she had been reading here and there, (This is because the encounter has activated his RAS, causing him to notice similar things to that experience more and more), he makes passing glances at the people reading them, and concludes (unconsciously) that they must be somewhat like Abbie.
So far, neither Abbie nor Kyle have demonstrated any awareness of Frames or ability for Frame Control, they have simply infected and received, respectively.
Soon Kyle meets Sheila. She is occupier of the adjacent seat on an Airplane whilst taking a trip abroad. Early on after takeoff, Sheila unabashedly pulls out a similar book to what Abbie had been reading those few months ago. “Oh Jeez…”, thinks Kyle, “Is she going to be awkward for the whole journey?”
Sheila reads in peace for a few minutes, then returns the book to her bag. Later on in the flight, something happens, and she makes a comment to Kyle. The two begin chatting. Soon the conversation moves to reading.
It turns out Kyle doesn’t read much, but just to be polite, he returns the question, “How about you, have you been reading anything recently?”
Sheila smiles, and explains to Kyle that she’s been reading a Japanese comic book series and that she’s nearing the end of the story.
Influencing people without words
Here something important happens. This situation wherein Sheila possess the frame “The books I read are cool and interesting” and Kyle possess the Frame “People who read those kind of books are awkward and unsociable”. The winner of this battle will be decided in a few moments, a few lines of dialogue. And every single line of that dialogue will stir and shift small emotions left and right until they settle in one mutual position.
People with strong frame control usually have an easier time starting conversations with strangers. Their strong sense that their actions are normal puts others at ease
It doesn’t matter what Sheila says to Kyle. What matters is her unconscious belief that what she’s saying to him holds value. Kyle, understandably suspicious due to the introduction of a topic he holds beliefs about, will, unconsciously, begin to make facial expressions and gestures of disapproval, dismissal and disinterest, all the while, Sheila will begin smiling, pursing her eyes together in excitement, and gayly explaining the plot of her comic book series to Kyle.
There are two possible outcomes to this engagement. Either Kyle is won over by Sheila’s belief that her interests are of value, and will continue listening and engaging actively in the conversation. Or Sheila will be won over by Kyle’s disinterest, taking on his belief that, despite her interest in the series, it doesn’t really hold enough value to warrant her sudden exposition.
In a sense, this entire “Frame Battle” is not a battle of Sheila vs Kyle, but a test of Sheila’s self-esteem as she speaks to him.
If Kyle wins, Sheila may begin to feel embarrassed about her behavior and decide to stop talking. If Sheila wins, Kyle may be won over and decide to rethink his intolerance on the subject, if only for the duration of their conversation. Sheila’s confidence in herself is important in this situation, as Kyle is coming into the conversation with nothing but his previous thoughts and experiences; he is not actively trying to convince Sheila of anything or to deliberately make her feel ashamed. Instead, he is communicating what is essentially a learned defense mechanism against a perceived potential awkward situation. In a sense, this entire “Frame Battle” is not a battle of Sheila vs Kyle, but a test of Sheila’s self-esteem as she speaks to him.
How to Control Frames like a Boss
Many people you meet in life will come at you with a blank frame. There are just too many topics and ideas for everyone to have spent some consideration across the board. In our above example, Abbie suffered from her belief that she already knew the thoughts of others, whilst Kyle entered the situation a blank slate from which he made a misjudgment, generalizing Abbie’s character traits to others. This makes it surprisingly easy to stay in control of frames that you may have otherwise thought were difficult. An example from my own life: When I came out to my friends about being a hentai artist, I found that most of them (especially the girls), found my art incredibly attractive and sexy! The majority had never seen hentai before in their lives, and found their introduction to it to be a very colorful and fun experience.
The art of Frame Control is an insidious one to learn and master, as it takes effect on people almost entirely subconsciously. The difference between “making a big deal” of the fact that you are homosexual, and just saying it plainly as if it was a completely normal and natural thing to be, makes a HUGE difference in how other people will perceive it. The moment you demonstrate to others that you have nothing to be ashamed about, they will also follow suit. This kind of demonstration is not only powerful because it allows you to be true to yourself but also it is an intensely attractive behavior.
My favourite way to hold frames effortlessly is to speak the truth plainly and as often as I can, it’s hard not to believe in yourself when everything you say is 100% true
A simple way to train yourself to hold frames better is to practice speaking clearly and unabashedly about everything. Usually, something we are unsure about or nervous about will be said with some tell-tale signs. We might break into a small chuckle midway through our sentence, our voice may become quieter, we may begin making extended eye contact with others, (unconsciously checking that their mood is stable and that it is “safe” to continue talking). These are all subcommunications of a low self-esteem. Ideally, you should want to be able to say “I draw pictures of naked anime girls with giant boobs” as plainly as you are able to say “I bought these in the supermarket down the road”. If you are able to do that, you have almost mastered the art of Frame Control.
A simple way to train yourself to hold frames better is to practice speaking clearly and unabashedly about everything. Usually, something we are unsure about or nervous about will be said with some tell-tale signs. We might break into a small chuckle midway through our sentence, our voice may become quieter, we may begin making extended eye contact with others, (unconsciously checking that their mood is stable and that it is “safe” to continue talking). These are all subcommunications of a low self-esteem. Ideally, you should want to be able to say “I draw pictures of naked anime girls with giant boobs” as plainly as you are able to say “I bought these in the supermarket down the road”. If you are able to do that, you have almost mastered the art of Frame Control.
In the above example with Abbie, Kyle and Sheila, there was no villain, but in real life, there might be. People may try and deliberately make you feel ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise, and these people will fall flat as soon as they begin to realize the extent of your unshakeable self-belief. I have had this experience myself as a hentai-artist, who is infamously open about my hobby, (even when it might not be socially acceptable to do so). You will find that many people are not so attached to the majority of their beliefs and will easily be swayed if your confidence manages to convince them that the subject is “Not that much of a big deal to warrant holding a negative opinion of”.
The Real Power Lies Here
Frame control can be used to achieve many things, but I would like to place focus on how it has helped me to find people who will share in my interests, hobbies and passions; how it has helped me convince people to try things they may not have otherwise tried; and most importantly, how it has caused me to convince other people not to become depressed or anxious over phenomenon that are out of their control.
For example, if your friend approaches you with a mood of anxiety or hopelessness, telling you because of this or that thing they are finished, they will be hurt, they will lose or otherwise. If you listen to them, if you really, really listen to them, and yet still afterwards believe that they have nothing to be afraid or to worry about… If you really believe that, from the bottom of your heart. Then, without words, they will see how strongly you believe and they too, will believe.
